Ave Atque Vale (Hail and Farewell)
August 5, 2000
It may be a cliche to say this but Anne Natalie McSorley Lukens actually is someone who has everything that anyone could ever want:
Anne has 3 brothers and 4 sisters she greatly respects and dotes on lovingly. She has an equivalent number of older siblings and 2 loving parents, all of whom have passed on, and to whom she routinely prays for guidance and comfort.
For nearly half a century, Anne has been faithful to her beloved husband, Bob. As many of you may know, Bob could sometimes challenge the patience of a saint and occasionally even Anne’s patience was not equal to the challenges he set. But through many good times and only very few bad times, Anne remained true in her enduring love for Bob. Anne honored and trusted Bob and she shared with him all of her joys and sorrows. During his final year of living, Anne nurtured her relationship with Bob in a new and inspiring way as they traveled together, celebrated together, and Bob even allowed Anne to nurse him over the course of his final days on earth. Through all of the roller coaster ride of their time together, Anne consistently has demonstrated for us all in the most memorable way her commitment to caring for and loving another human being so dearly.
Anne has 1 brother and 1 sister from Bob’s family, with 2 brothers and Bob’s loving parents who have passed on, all of whom she loves and respects as her own.
Anne has 7 children who adore her and whom she adores with an endless love that never strains to accept our frequent testing of its limits. Anne has 9 grandchildren (with twins on the way) who are the light and joy of her life. Anne has an abundance of relatives, including a whole gaggle of nieces and nephews, to whom she is devoted and who accept her as one of their “favorites.” Anne has countless friends and neighbors who remind her how special every day can be and whose companionship she will always cherish. One of her high points from the past few years was the time Anne spent at the shore reminiscing at her 50th class reunion with her friends from St. Leonard’s Academy. Anne has professional colleagues, her “teachers,” her staff, who demonstrate everyday that her example of caring for and nurturing others will bring immeasurable rewards in return. Each of you is a very special person to her and your commitment to the well-being of those in your care reinforces that Anne made the very best choice of vocations, friends, relatives, and family.
Anne had a successful career to which she was extremely dedicated. She retired a few years ago with great pride and with the satisfaction in knowing that she had accumulated a new world full of admirers, both very young and very old. Anne had an indescribable love for each of the children whose families trusted her to care for them in a way very similar to the way she cared for her own children. Since retiring, she has persevered in her regular visits to nursing homes, not only because of what she feels she has been privileged to share with the folks who live there but mostly because of what they continually teach her about how to cherish her life to the fullest simply by sharing it with others.
Anne is my mom and we talked together often, sometimes daily, and she never ceased telling me about the goings on of this or that person, some who are relatives, others are people I never met or never heard about before. Every one of these conversations echoes with Mom’s vibrancy and the pleasure she takes in knowing so many folks so intimately. This is what brightens her life and makes each day an adventure for her, with the limitless potential for new encounters and the possibility of nurturing some new friendships.
For the past few years, I have lived and worked in Center City. Periodically, I attend a meeting in Jenkintown or Elkins Park (which are close to Mom’s home). Whenever possible, Mom and I would get together for breakfast, lunch, or dinner depending on the timing of my meeting and her schedule, which often was too full to arrange for us to meet. I remember one time in particular because it is so typical of Mom that it is almost mythic for me.
I was representing a middle-aged woman who had terrible back pains; she also wore a neck brace and walked with the help of a cane. She lived somewhere in North Philadelphia and had taken a bus to our meeting in Elkins Park rather early in the morning. I had arranged for Mom to pick me up after the meeting and then Mom and I planned to have breakfast together. After the meeting I said goodbye to my client and she walked to the bus stop, about a block or so away. A little while later, Mom arrived and I got into her car. As we proceeded toward the restaurant we passed my client standing at the bus stop and I waved to her. Mom asked “who’s that?” After I’d answered her, Mom suggested that we give my client a ride. We stopped and I invited my client to ride with us. She accepted and I helped her get into the car. Mom started chatting with her as if she was one of our dearest friends and very quickly invited her to join us for breakfast. Sometimes I am a little overwhelmed by the extent of Mom’s generosity and this was one of those times. I was flabbergasted (and a little distressed) because I do not possess Mom’s easy comfort interacting with other people. I was extremely relieved when her offer of breakfast was turned down. It always surprises me how Mom can experience instant familiarity with a person she has just met and might never see again. But that is my mother. No one is beyond the reach of her will to caring and concern for the well being of others. In this respect, she personifies for me the phrase “selfless caring.”
Mom has a boundless faith and spirituality that have taken many forms over the years. She always has shown a deep appreciation for the quality of her life and the joy that so many people contribute to it. People are her life. Mom always was giving to others, giving her time, her patience, her attention, her possessions, her cooking, her faith, her kindness, and her love.
Mom loves her family passionately, so I’d like to follow her lead now and talk about her family a little and to honor them with some acknowledgments:
Dick — Your dedication and faith inspire Anne and your persistent willingness to fight the good fight help her enormously in times when she has troubles or those fleeting moments of doubt. She will never forget you or the ways you see the right path to take.
Eleanor — Your dedication to seeing the good that is in everyone and your ability to find joy in the simplest things remind Anne to take the time to smell the roses along the way.
Jim — Your free-spirited thinking and gusto for life encourage Anne to try new experiences and she always sees and talks about things with renewed vigor after one of your visits to her home.
Mary — Your perseverance and courage help Anne understand that God sometimes really does work in mysterious ways but that these always turn out to be the right ways.
Marge — Your similarities with her make Anne feel blessed with a kinship and bond for another person that is undisturbed by distance or physical separation. She relishes your comradely times together and to Anne yours is the hallmark of a sisterly relationship at its most special.
Paul — Your dedication to the McSorley family reminds Anne of her true origins, even when the Lukens family influence might pull her in a different direction. After you and June moved to Florida, Anne eagerly has anticipated your monthly missives and frequently she has cursed the Internet for interfering with her access to a file containing your regular “jottings” to the family.
Roe — Your resilience and joy for living teach Anne that she should never give up, or think too small, or become discouraged by the trials or tribulations brought about by loving so many people at the same time. You are her lifeline and any day without a call from you is most certainly a bleaker one for her. Beyond all else, Anne is most proud of what you have accomplished and how you share with her your journey along the way.
Katie — Your boundless maternal grace encourage Anne to remember how important it is to nurture relationships if they are to continue to grow. From at least the year before Bob died, nothing occurred in Anne’s life that was not followed immediately by her thought that “I have to call Katie.” She greatly admires how you manage a family without any boys.
Jack — Your commitment to your family and your family’s commitment to other people show Anne that there still are miracles to be had if only you set your mind to it and persevere long enough. And as Bob’s youngest brother, Anne sometimes thought of you as the younger brother she did not have.
To Anne’s other relatives, colleagues, and friends too numerous to single out individually for acknowledgment — Anne loves being with all of you. She loves the exercise classes, the prayer group, being a Eucharistic ministry, reading at Mass, greeting her fellow parishioners. She was even going to join a reading group because she also loves to read voraciously and wanted to share this pleasure with others. Anne cherishes the gatherings, the parties, the celebrations you share together. She looks forward eagerly to the many invitations she gets and she always calls to regale me with details about those events I did not attend (which, as many of you know, are legion). The other day I looked at her calendar and marked on there are several birthdays, graduations, and parties already scheduled for several months in advance. You have helped dispel those moments of loneliness she occasionally experiences with the great anticipation of the next time she would get together with you again. And her two best friends, Kay and Margaret, are the glue that holds the various threads of her life together. You are her anchors and her steadfast pals and not a week has gone by when Mom didn’t tell me something fascinating to her about a movie or a dinner she had shared with you.
Roe — What can I say that you don’t already know so well. Mom is most proud of you because you have chosen to follow her example in your own way and with indefatigable enthusiasm. You are Mom’s life, and every great success or minor setback that you endure, she endures in equal measure. Perhaps this best explains the storms as well as the celebrations in your relationship with Mom. She is so very proud of who you are and what you are doing with your life. Sometimes Mom’s grief and anxiety over being separated from you expresses itself in anger because of her pain over the separation rather than what is really there, which is her incredible joy that you are doing your life’s mission and that you are doing it with such incomparable skill and passion. Your decision to bring Mohamed and Laye into your life simultaneously brought these two remarkable men into Mom’s life and she loves you the more for sharing them with her. Mom’s visit to your family’s home in Malawi, Africa was probably the most exciting adventure she had experienced since traveling in Europe when she was much younger. Mom always was telling other people about that trip to Africa as the high point in her understanding of what you are all about. Mom was overwhelmed, but not at all surprised, that you were well known everywhere that she and Frank visited during their trip to Africa. Mom loves you so much that even I would concede that there are no words to express how much. And you already know that Mom thanks you for all of the very special gifts you have given to her.
Mike — Mom is most proud of you because so very early in your life you showed the kind of caring for others that mirrored Mom and her relationship with others. That you have continued to be such a huge-hearted person was confirmed for her recently when Mom forgot to place one of her monthly calls to Matthew and you initiated the call for her which delighted her and showed her how much you recognized these contacts with you and your family meant to her. Your decision to bring Regina into your life simultaneously brought this remarkable woman into Mom’s life and for that Mom is forever grateful. She loves you the more for sharing Regina with her. And I know you know that Mom is running out of room on her refrigerator to place pictures of Matthew and Gregory; she probably endured the agony of learning to use e-mail just so she could have access to more pictures of them via the internet. Mom thanks you for all of the very special gifts you have given to her.
Chris — Mom is most proud of you because you never do anything halfway and that is something that Mom respects in other people very much. Mom often acknowledges with great appreciation what a remarkable man, father, and husband you have become. Your intensity about things sometimes startles her but she always knows that you are bighearted and caring because these are the things that you share most with others. Your decision to bring Carol into your life simultaneously brought this remarkable woman into Mom’s life and for that Mom is forever grateful. Mom loves you the more for sharing Carol with her. Over the years, Mom has marveled at the way the two of you have so gracefully melded into a loving team. Nick provided Mom with her first joyous experience of grand parenting and she had the double luxury of spoiling Nick during visits to her home as well as at Melrose day care center. Jennifer duplicated these same opportunities but with the additional joy of being the first girl Mom could spoil as “nanny.” And Patrick Stanley made Mom’s final years at St. Paul’s perhaps the greatest of her time there. His unique smile will be etched in Mom’s heart forever. Mom thanks you for all of the very special gifts you have given to her.
Frank — Mom is most proud of you because you always are willing to give of yourself, of your time and energy, of your wisdom. These are attributes that Mom respects in other people very much. After our trip together to California in 1978, something changed for me that allowed me to see you in much the same way as Mom sees you and I know that what Mom sees is an incredibly generous man with the heart and constitution of a saint. Mom depends on you for her strength in her infrequent times of woe and she takes courage from your zest for life. She is perhaps a little less enthusiastic about some of the risks that you take but knows that you undertake these only after intense preparation. Being with you in Africa to visit Roe allowed Mom to be free enough to really experience the countries herself in a way she might not have done without you there with her. Your decision to bring Caron into your life simultaneously brought this remarkable woman into Mom’s life and for that she is forever grateful. She loves you the more for sharing Caron with her. Mom loves taking care of Paul and Josh and Jessica at all times but most especially when you and Caron can get away to rejuvenate yourselves. Calling on Mom to allow her do that for you and Caron is probably one of the greatest gifts you could have given her, and Mom thanks you for all of the very special gifts you have given to her.
Pete — Mom is most proud of you because you always say what’s on your mind and that is something that Mom respects in other people very much. Mom aches for you in your times of distress and she cheers vociferously for you with every one of your many successes. Mom always believes that you deserve to have life turn out incredibly well for you; she wishes that for you with all her heart. That you so willingly and eagerly share all of your life with her increases Mom’s love for you even more. Your decision to bring Chrissie into your life also brought this remarkable woman into Mom’s life and for that Mom is forever grateful. Mom is immeasurably happy for you and Chrissie and extremely excited about your expectation of twin boys. Mom knows that you will be the very best of fathers, just as you have learned to be a doting husband to Chrissie. Mom thanks you for all of the very special gifts you have given to her.
Joe — Mom is most proud of you because you established your independence early on and yet you still allowed her to keep her relationship with her youngest child evolving effortlessly through the years. She became fascinated by the many changes in you after you decided to study the law. During your first year of law school, your dinner conversations with her beguiled and mystified her because she recognized that her “baby” was becoming an intense thinker in a way that astonished her. To this day, she probably has no clue about the law but she is crystal clear about what it means to you to have chosen a vocation that allows you to feel creative and that so comfortably fits your personality. It seems like every time I talked with her about you and your career, she reminisced about one particular mock trial that you invited her to witness. I do not think she will ever forget the spectacular image you projected of confidence and supreme command of the situation. I suspect you probably were too nervous at the time to comprehend how well you had done, at least in her experience of you. It may surprise you to know that it was a conversation I had with Mom during a car ride together to Temple to see you and your law review empire in the library there that really got me contemplating law school for myself. During that ride, Mom waxed enthusiastic over the day she had driven you to Temple and you apparently were anxious about your grade in Con Law, which I think was one of your first law school grades posted. To hear the almost palpable pride in her voice and how much she loved the way you were becoming a man made me want to try some of the same things myself. Your decision to bring Sarah into your life also brought this remarkable woman into Mom’s life and for that Mom will be forever grateful. Mom loves you the more for sharing Sarah with her and Mom thanks you for all of the very special gifts you have given to her.
Nick, Jennifer, Laye, Paul, Josh, Patrick Stanley, Jessica, Matthew, and Gregory — Nanny is most proud of you and I won’t embarrass you by saying why because I know that you already know. She loves you so very much and she always will. Nanny thanks you for all of the very, very special gifts you have given to her and for the overwhelming joy you brought her just by being you.
As for myself, I think one example sums it all up. Last year around this time, a colleague from work died suddenly. He was only a few years older than me and this event made me ruminate on my existence in a profound way. One of the relatively minor things it provoked me to do was to change the outgoing message on my answering machine at home. Mom interpreted what seemed to me like a simple modification as some monumental step in the always-rocky road of my growing up. Without revealing the details of this enduring struggle, Mom and I have a long history of trying to help me become a better person. To Mom, my changing my recorded message to people calling my home signaled some remarkable shift. Over the last year, I lost count of the number of times there was a message from Mom on my machine saying how good my voice sounded to her and how much she appreciated my newly remodeled outgoing message. Sometimes, I think she called my home knowing full well that I was at work just so she could hear that message. While this may sound trivial, to me it communicated her understanding that all of her efforts to help me grow as a person were finally making a difference and that I was showing a part of myself to the world that I had tried very hard to keep hidden but which she always knew I possessed.
Mom — I am so proud of the way you chose to live your life. Other folks can tell you that I love sharing you with everyone I know. I would often say to colleagues and friends “you have to meet my mother” because I knew that they should have the privilege of knowing you, even if only briefly. You are an inspiration to me and I would not be who I am today, nor would I be doing what I do today, if you had not insisted that you know me better than I know myself.
If I had the power to say it for all eternity I could never thank you enough for not giving up on me in my struggle to become my best self. I love you, I will miss you, and I thank you for providing me yet one more opportunity to share you with others.
Anne loved her life and even in her retirement she often was too busy with meetings and other activities to get together with me. She also believed that there exists an afterlife so she was not afraid of dying. In fact, sometimes she even looked forward to it and the rewards for her unique life that she surely is reaping now. She used the time after my Dad died in 1988 to renew her investment in herself, and she was still evolving as a person, having just registered for a class at Temple for the Fall semester. She also greatly anticipated resuming her career cooking evening meals for the devoted nuns of St. Anthony’s, a service to others which rewarded her immensely. It would give Anne the greatest joy for us to celebrate her life and not grieve with pain over our loss of her. But, she also had a consummate appreciation for our common humanness and I am sure that she would understand if we cry just a little before we laugh with Anne, Annie, Ms. Anne, Mom, or Nanny again.
To close with a literary allusion because I know that Mom will allow me my predilections, and to paraphrase from King Lear,
The weight of this sad time we must obey,
Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.
Our Annie hath borne most;
We that are young may never see so much and can only hope to live so well.